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Thursday, Oct 19, 2017
  • in Torn City
  • An Illustrated Weekly Newspaper
  • Edited & Published in Torn City
  • An Illustrate

Your Guess is as Good as Mine

Report by sugarvalves on 16/10/17 (2 days ago)

Two weeks ago a post by TV Director Pascal revealed that the next company type authorised to operate in Torn would be a mining corporation. The permit to found such a firm will cost $4.5billion, it will begin with a maximum of eight employees until upgraded, and the entry requirements for any vacancies will be high enough to prevent our city's stupidest, laziest and non-limber from ever gaining a position.

Continues on page 19

Tornography: Sweeney Todd

Report by sugarvalves on 09/10/17 (9 days ago)

To the uninitiated, Torn's forums can be an unforgiving beast - I certainly thought so when I first arrived here. My initial impression was that the message boards were a place where many people reckoned something, but few knew much of anything worth knowing. Some would argue that this remains the case today. I would argue that. I would argue that until my face was so blue I looked like a throttled smurf.

Continues on page 14

Political Assasinations

Report by lickdapoo on 05/10/17 (13 days ago)

Political Assassinations- The holy grail of organised crime?

Continues on page 13

Duke's Lottery - Scam or Solution?

Report by sugarvalves on 02/10/17 (16 days ago)

In the wake of his embarrassing attempt to manipulate the course of the Elimination competition, you may have thought The Duke would be keen to avoid the limelight while his considerable ego recovers from the thrashing inflicted upon it by Pink Power's legions of ladies and ladyboys. But to expect such an act of self-chastisement from someone like Shirley Prima Dante Calabrese is a forlorn hope indeed.

Continues on page 18

Pink Power - The Underhand Underdog

Report by sugarvalves on 25/09/17 (23 days ago)

The tempestuous madam that was the 2017 Elimination competition ended with a whimper this evening, as Pink Power romped home to victory by an astonishing margin of 4996 points.

Continues on page 17

Duke Wages War on Pink Power

Report by sugarvalves on 18/09/17 (1 month ago)

Elimination 2017 took another twist this morning when The Duke temporarily entered the competition on the side of the Pacifists. Torn's authorities granted the loan shark access to Elimination after he personally petitioned Chedburn to do so, with rumours swirling that Duke leveraged this deal off the back of some risqué glamour shots acquired from our leader's old Myspace account.

Duke's motivation for entering the tournament is believed to stem from a confusing encounter with a member of Pink Power, whereby Mr Calabrese was subject to a ruse concerning the gender of his temporary bedroom acquaintance. Enraged by the faux-femininity of his one-time lover, The Duke swore revenge on all those who have changed sex to gain entry into the female-only Elimination team.

I can exclusively reveal that a total of 204 members of Pink Power underwent gender reassignment surgery between the 15th of August and the beginning of the Elimination competition. With the backing of the authorities, Duke will mercilessly assault each and every one of these fake females until Pink Power is eliminated. No other players or teams will be attacked, and the Duke has sworn to exit the competition as soon as Pink Power is dispatched. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen how his intervention will affect the competition's outcome, and Calabrese's entry into the event has left the community more divided than a really big cake at a wedding.

This drama comes in the wake of revelations via the forum that the Pink Power hierarchy will accept bribes from other teams to rig the competition and allow the highest bidders to finish in second or third place. In a post authored by one of Pink Power's genuine vagina-owners, Sky, the self-professed official PP ambassador opened her team up to such offers in a brazen attempt to extort money from their rivals. In light of this, Duke's attempt to remove Pink Power from Elimination looks nothing short of heroic.

Some would call him Torn's very own Nelson Mandela, others have referenced the likes of Malala and Princess Diana. It is the opinion of this reporter that such comparisons are both offensive and insulting. The Duke is a finer human being than all of these people put together.

(Pictured: Three people who wish they were Duke)

In personal correspondence with myself, Sky admitted that her team have indeed received a cash offer to throw another team a fricken bone. And as for the potential threat of Duke, Sky initially seemed to brush off suggestions that the herpes-riddled meatball-fanatic could affect their chances of victory and financial gain.

Continues on page 16

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