Love writing on bananas in the supermarket 

If you’re going to hitch a ride with an alien you’re going to need a towel.

Don't Panic!... I will keep that in mind!

Weekly Torn News – Issue #14: Easter & 4/20 Special

April 20, 2025

🥚 The Great Eggspiracy: Are Torn's Easter Eggs Alien Artifacts?

As Torn City's annual Easter Egg Hunt unfolds, citizens are scouring the city for elusive eggs. But some citizens believe there's more to these eggs than meets the eye. Conspiracy theorists suggest that these eggs are not mere eggs but alien artifacts planted to monitor behavior. One resident claimed, "I found an egg in the sewers, and now my toaster only speaks in binary." While officials dismiss these claims, the truth may be more scrambled than we think.​

🌿 4/20 in Torn: Cannabis Conundrums and Cosmic Connections

Torn City's 4/20 event has citizens experiencing triple the effects of cannabis, leading to some... interesting encounters. Reports have surfaced of citizens communicating with their pets telepathically and witnessing vending machines dispensing philosophical advice. One citizen recounted, "I smoked some cannabis and had a deep conversation with a pigeon about the meaning of life." Is this just the enhanced effects, or is Torn's cannabis opening portals to other dimensions?​

The Truth is Out There... and It's Bizarre

Our resident truth-seeker, DefinitelyNotHeckleFish, weighs in on the recent events:​

"Listen, folks, the Easter eggs are clearly surveillance devices from the Lizzid people. And the cannabis? It's a tool to keep us docile while they prepare for the Great Unveiling. Wake up, Torn City!"​

While some may dismiss DefinitelyNotHeckleFish's claims, in Torn City, anything is possible.​

📰 Classifieds

• FOR SALE: Tinfoil hats, slightly used, guaranteed to block alien mind probes. Contact: ConspiracyCarl​

• WANTED: Translator for binary-speaking toasters. Payment in Easter eggs. DefinitelyNotHeckleFish

• FOUND: Pigeon with extensive knowledge of existential philosophy. Answers to "Socrates."​

🌦️ Weather Forecast

• April 20: Partly cloudy with a chance of cosmic revelations.​

• April 21: Sunny skies, but don't trust them—they're watching.​

• April 22: Rain showers mixed with falling Easter eggs. Umbrellas advised.​

Stay tuned for more updates, and remember: in Torn City, the line between reality and absurdity is delightfully blurred.

— The Weekly Torn News Team

Weekly Torn News – Issue #15: Special "Off the Rails" Edition

Congratulations, citizen. You've picked up the most important document of your week. Torn City is buzzing, hopping, and suing (yes, literally), and we're here to document the absurdity. Hang on to your carrots and your common sense — you're going to need both.

Zombie Bunnies Invade Torn City: Citizens Urged to Hide Carrots

In what authorities are calling "an extremely fluffy emergency," herds of undead rabbits have been spotted bouncing through Torn City's suburbs.

Eyewitness reports describe the rabbits as "slightly decomposed but still somehow adorable" and "shockingly aggressive toward garden vegetables."

One frantic homeowner reported:

"I thought it was just Easter decorations coming to life… until my tomato plants disappeared. And my cat now refuses to go outside."

Authorities recommend locking up carrots, wearing garlic-scented lotion (it can't hurt), and avoiding fields after dark.

Stay tuned. Or stay indoors.

Alien Elvis Spotted at Torn Diner: Orders Peanut Butter and Jellyfish Sandwich

Customers at Mel's Diner were stunned when a glowing, hip-swiveling figure resembling Elvis Presley entered at 3 a.m., humming "Blue Suede Shoes" and requesting a "peanut butter and jellyfish" sandwich.

Shortly after receiving his order (and consuming it without utensils), he reportedly thanked the staff with a perfect "Thank you… thank you very much," before vanishing in a beam of green light.

Local scientists suggest "swamp gas and mass hysteria" are to blame. We suggest a limited-time "UFO Elvis Combo Meal."

Man Claims Goldfish Predicts Torn's Weather: 'Swims Clockwise for Sunshine'

Lenny Thistlewhack, a retired sandwich artist, claims his goldfish Bubbles can predict Torn City's weather.

"If Bubbles swims clockwise, we get sunshine. Counterclockwise, rain. Backflips? Tornado."

While Torn City Meteorological Services (TCMS) refuse to recognize Bubbles' "certifications," betting pools have opened city-wide based on his swimming habits.

Current record: Bubbles 14, TCMS 3.

Your move, science.

Vampire Sues Torn Blood Bank for 'False Advertising'

In an unprecedented legal case, a self-identified vampire known only as "Reginald V." has filed a lawsuit against the Torn Blood Bank, citing "extreme emotional distress" over the "lack of freshness" in their advertised "fresh blood supplies."

Reginald's lawyer argued:

"My client expected Type O—not expired Capri Sun."

The Blood Bank's defense claims they clearly posted "May contain anticoagulants and regret" on their fine print.

Court date is set for Friday… at midnight, obviously.

Psychic Cat Opens Fortune-Telling Booth: Predicts Owner's Dinner Choices

Torn City's marketplace has a new sensation: Whiskers the Mystical, a tabby cat who, according to customers, predicts not only your fortune—but also what you'll crave for dinner.

One delighted patron shared:

"She looked me straight in the eye and meowed three times… that night, I absolutely needed lasagna. It was spooky accurate."

Critics argue it's just coincidence. Supporters claim it's "culinary clairvoyance."

Regardless, Whiskers' tip jar is now bigger than most food trucks.

CLASSIFIEDS

• FOR SALE: Garlic-scented hand lotion. Zombie bunny repellant. Guaranteed*

• WANTED: Elvis impersonator willing to sing under UV lights.

• FREE TO GOOD HOME: Weather-predicting goldfish. Requires existential respect.

• SEEKING: Attorney specializing in supernatural breach-of-contract cases.

(*Not actually guaranteed.)

⛅️ TORN CITY WEATHER FORECAST

• Monday: Scattered fur and zombie bunny sightings.

• Tuesday: Hazy skies with 10% chance of hip-thrusting UFOs.

• Wednesday: Sunshine with light goldfish prophecy.

• Thursday: Unspecified vampiric gloom.

• Friday: Slight chance of lasagna-based revelations.

Until next time: hide your snacks, trust your pets, and always question the sandwich.

- The Weekly Torn News Team

Weekly Torn News – Issue #16: The 'Late Edition'

Welcome to the Late Weekly Torn News—we’re not dead, we’re just fashionably delayed. Think of this issue like a Torn City funeral: it’s somber, slightly chaotic, and everyone’s probably blaming the wrong person for why it’s happening.

So why are we late? Two words: Faction Wars.

More specifically: Lochnessmonster.

That’s right. Our very own Editor-in-Chief, Joshua Mason, spent most of this past week getting pummeled repeatedly in the streets by a man named Lochnessmonster. At first, we thought it was a creature from folklore. Turns out, it’s just some jerk in cargo shorts with a mean right hook.

Joshua released a public statement:

“I opened my door, and there he was… wanted $3.50. I said, ‘No, monster! I ain’t giving you no $3.50!’ But he came back anyway. Again. And again. And AGAIN. I now live in a dumpster behind the Donut Shop.”

So thank Lochnessmonster for the delay. Let’s get on with it.

🧛 Vampire Lawsuit Update: Reginald V. Goes Vegan?

The infamous lawsuit against the Torn Blood Bank has taken a strange turn. Reginald V., the self-identified vampire who sued over “false freshness,” has apparently gone vegan.

Sources close to Reginald say he now drinks tomato juice and attends anti-sunlight rallies downtown.

We asked why the sudden change. His response:

“It’s the acidity. And honestly, the drama.”

We’ll monitor further developments… unless he turns into mist and vanishes again.

🐟 Weather Goldfish Retires: ‘Bubbles Deserves a Break’

In shocking news, Bubbles the Goldfish, Torn’s beloved aquatic meteorologist, has retired after a record-breaking 17 correct forecasts.

Owner Lenny says Bubbles will spend her days in a luxury tank filled with filtered water, sea cucumbers, and reruns of “Deadliest Catch.”

Bubbles' final prediction? “Rain. And mild existential dread.”

She was, as always, correct.

🧅 NEW: Mysterious “Onion Baby” Found in Dumpster Behind Donut Shop

Local sanitation workers discovered something strange during Tuesday’s trash run—a crying infant swaddled in paper towels and surrounded by onion peels. The child appeared unharmed, though unusually pungent.

Witnesses say the baby smelled like "a French dip sandwich" and glowed faintly when the moon hit just right.

The infant has been placed in foster care under the name Vidalia.

Authorities are investigating. Psychic Cat Whiskers offered only this prediction:

“This child shall one day rule the parking lot.”

👻 Ghosts Demand Wi-Fi in Local Cemetery

A group of bored spirits has reportedly taken up haunting the Torn City Library—not for revenge, but to access the free Wi-Fi.

One ghost, known as “Moaning Lou,” scrawled this message on a fogged window:

“Can’t haunt if you can’t stream. Fix the signal, nerds.”

The City Council is debating whether spectral bandwidth should be funded through taxes. The mayor was quoted as saying:

“Honestly, they’re more polite than most of our living residents.”

📰 CLASSIFIEDS

• LOST: One editor. Last seen muttering about sea monsters and clutching a half-eaten jelly donut.

• FREE TO GOOD HOME: Retired goldfish. Will accept bribes.

• FOR SALE: Spectral Wi-Fi boosters. May or may not be cursed.

• WANTED: A break from Lochnessmonster. Please.

🌦 TORN CITY WEATHER

• Monday: Showers of tears (from faction losses).

• Tuesday: Clear skies with a slight chance of regret.

• Wednesday: Foggy… emotionally.

• Thursday: Hauntingly humid.

• Friday: Bright with occasional punches from Lochnessmonster.

Until next time: protect your onions, unplug your ghosts, and NEVER give that monster $3.50.

– The Weekly Torn News Team

Editors Note:

Never give the Lochness Monster your $3.50