A gizmo terrorising torn again.. get the lazer pointer 😂 

bribe us with donuts 🤣 

Weekly Torn News: Issue #6

Where the Weird Gets Wilder in Torn City!

Phantom Pizza Thief Strikes Again

Torn pizzerias are on high alert after reports of a masked pizza deliveryman making off with piping-hot pies—and leaving behind cryptic pepperoni messages.

"I saw him sprint out the door with a pizza in one hand and a note saying 'Extra cheese, extra mystery' in the other. Absolute madness!"
– Anonymous Doughhead

Local authorities are baffled, and rumors suggest this might be the work of a rogue NPC with an appetite for chaos. Torn pizza lovers, brace yourselves—dinner might never be the same!

Subway Shenanigans: A Dance Party on the Run

In an unexpected twist during a recent chase, Torn PD officers in the subway burst into an impromptu dance routine. Witnesses reported:

• A cop spinning like a top
• Another busting a smooth moonwalk
• A third officer casually sipping coffee as the chaos unfolded

One onlooker summed it up:

"It looked like a flash mob audition gone wrong!"
Clearly, Torn's finest have a flair for performance—even while on duty.

Crazy Cake Caper: The Sweet Sting Operation

Torn City’s notorious pastry bandits are back! An entire truckload of gourmet cakes vanished after a high-speed scooter chase downtown. Local bakeries are tightening security as authorities call it the “Sweet Sting Operation.”

"It was like a sugar-fueled action movie—cakes flying everywhere, and the getaway smoother than freshly iced tiers!"
– Local Baker Extraordinaire

Will these dessert delinquents ever be caught, or is Torn destined to be the playground for criminals with a sweet tooth?

ADS & Announcements

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That’s it for this week’s Weekly Torn News: Issue #6! Stay tuned for more bizarre escapades, and remember: keep your pizzas safe, enjoy the unexpected subway shows, and watch out for runaway cakes in Torn City!

Weekly Torn News - Issue #7

Welcome back, Torn City, to another thrilling edition of Weekly Torn News—your one-stop shop for the bizarre, the shocking, and the downright ridiculous! We’ve packed this issue with plenty of weirdness, so let’s dive right in!

BAT BOY SPOTTED AGAIN!

It’s been a while since we last heard from our favorite cryptid, but he’s back and causing a scene! Bat Boy was reportedly spotted lurking in the alleyways near Torn City Bank. Witnesses claim he was rifling through trash cans, perhaps looking for food—or something more sinister? One terrified pedestrian described him as “a small humanoid figure with large, glowing eyes and bat-like wings.” Another claimed he let out a high-pitched screech before vanishing into the shadows. Is Bat Boy planning something? Keep your eyes open, Torn City!

GRANNY BIG BUCKS STRIKES AGAIN!

The legend of Granny Big Bucks continues! This time, the elderly tornado of cash was seen tossing hundred-dollar bills off the Torn City bridge at unsuspecting joggers. While most people scrambled to gather the money, one unfortunate soul lost his footing and took a dive into the river. When asked why she does it, Granny Big Bucks simply cackled and said, “I just love watching people lose their minds!” Is she a generous benefactor or a chaotic menace? Either way, she’s making Torn City a little more interesting!

LAZY POLICE CONTINUE TO FRUSTRATE CITIZENS

Torn City’s police department has once again made headlines—but not for heroics. Reports have surfaced that officers are spending more time napping in their patrol cars than fighting crime! When questioned, an anonymous officer replied, “Hey, it’s dangerous out there. You ever try to arrest someone in Torn? No thanks.” Citizens are demanding action, but so far, their complaints have been met with yawns and shrugging.

TORN CITY’S SPIDER-MAN KNOCKOFF FAILS SPECTACULARLY

In what can only be described as one of the greatest embarrassments in local crime-fighting history, an unknown vigilante attempted to become Torn City’s answer to Spider-Man. Armed with homemade “web shooters” (which turned out to be nothing more than sticky tape and fishing line), he attempted to swing between buildings downtown. Unfortunately, his contraption backfired, leaving him completely tangled and dangling upside down from a lamppost.

Authorities arrived on the scene only to find him cursing and flailing helplessly. When asked for a comment, one officer said, “We’d arrest him, but honestly, this is punishment enough.”

Moral of the story: leave the superhero antics to the professionals!

TRUE STORIES FROM TORN CITY

Story 1 - The Beast of Mourne Park (Submitted by KamaKaze)

When we were kids, my brother and I had two pet lambs. We lived on a farm, so it seemed normal enough. But the real story behind them was terrifying. Their parents had been brutally killed, their remains scattered in a way that suggested multiple attackers. When my brother and I investigated, we found eerie tracks leading up a mountain into the depths of the forest.

We followed the trail to what can only be described as a bone yard—an entire graveyard of animal remains. The bones were crushed, shattered, and stripped of all flesh. Whatever was doing this wasn’t just killing—it was feasting.

As we pressed forward, we finally found its den—a deep hollow in the earth, surrounded by twisted roots. From within, we could hear the low growl of something… massive. We knew we were out of our depth. We left, vowing to return the next day, but by morning, the creature was gone. To this day, I wonder what would have happened if we had gone just a little further… and if that thing is still out there.

Story 2 - The Haunted House (Submitted by JoshuaMason- Owner of Weekly Torn News)

When I was 16, I lived in a small Louisiana town where there wasn’t much to do. Down the street from my house was an abandoned home covered in KEEP OUT signs, overgrown with weeds. The local teens always swapped ghost stories about it, but I never believed them—until the day I went there myself.

I walked into the backyard and saw three graves. “Oh, so that’s why people are scared,” I thought. But then, as I turned to leave, I felt a chill run down my spine. I heard something running toward me from inside the house. There was a boarded-up window right above me, and suddenly—BANG! Something hit the window from the inside.

I took off running.

Later, I started researching the house and found out the truth. A father had once lived there with his wife and daughter. He disapproved of the daughter’s boyfriend, and in a fit of rage, he killed both of them… then himself. That boarded-up house wasn’t just abandoned—it was haunted.

To this day, I’ll never forget that sound. And I’ll never go back.

CLASSIFIEDS

• FOR SALE: Slightly haunted fridge. Keeps food cold, but occasionally whispers your worst fears. $50 OBO. Contact FreakedOutFred.

• HELP WANTED: Need someone to walk my extremely aggressive, semi-possessed Rottweiler. Pay is $10 an hour plus hazard pay. Contact DesperateDogOwner.

• ROOM FOR RENT: Cozy one-bedroom apartment. Comes with free Wi-Fi, utilities, and a mild poltergeist. No exorcists allowed. Contact NotScaredAtAll.

• MISSING: My pet alligator, Steve. Last seen wearing a tiny top hat. If found, do not approach. Contact TotallyNotANoviceGatorOwner.

TORN CITY HOROSCOPES

• Aries: Good news! Your luck is about to turn around. Bad news: It’s turning around… in the opposite direction. Avoid gambling.

• Taurus: Someone is watching you. No, seriously. Check your back.

• Gemini: This week, your enemies will suffer. Whether or not you had anything to do with it is another question.

• Cancer: Beware of shady business deals. And also… random pigeons. They know too much.

• Leo: You’ll win a fight this week. Unfortunately, it won’t be the one you were planning for.

• Virgo: That thing you’ve been avoiding? Yeah, it’s about to find YOU.

TORN CITY WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Acid rain likely. Carry an umbrella. Preferably a metal one.

• Tuesday: A light drizzle of regret, followed by scattered disappointment.

• Wednesday: Fire tornadoes? Could happen. Be prepared.

• Thursday: Sunny, with a 90% chance of being mugged.

• Friday: Thick fog rolling in from the west. Perfect cover for… well, you know.

That’s it for this week, Torn City! Remember—keep your eyes open, stay alert, and never turn your back on the strange.

Until next time, stay safe… and stay weird!

- Weekly Torn News Team

Weekly Torn News - Issue #8

Welcome back, Torn City! We’ve got another thrilling lineup of absurdity, horror, and chaos for you this week. Whether you’re into cryptid sightings, strange disasters, or crime so bizarre it sounds fake, we’ve got you covered. Let’s get weird!

SEWER BEAST DEVOURING HOMELESS—IS TORN CITY HARBORING A RAT-MAN?

For years, whispers have floated around Torn City about a monstrous creature lurking in the sewers, but recent reports suggest that something far worse is happening beneath our streets.

Multiple accounts from the homeless population claim that people have gone missing, vanishing without a trace. The few survivors willing to talk describe a hulking, humanoid rat-like figure, covered in matted fur and reeking of sewage and decay. They say it moves unnaturally fast and has teeth like rusty knives.

One man, only known as "Shaky Pete,” claimed he saw his friend dragged screaming into a storm drain. “It was HUGE, man. Had these long claws, and its eyes—oh man, its eyes—glowed red like the devil himself.”

City officials refuse to comment, but a sanitation worker, speaking on condition of anonymity, claims entire maintenance teams refuse to enter certain parts of the underground tunnels. “There are sections of the sewer we don’t go into. We know better.”

Could it be an urban legend, or is something truly hunting in the depths of Torn City’s underground?

MYSTERIOUS BEAMS OF LIGHT OVER TORN CITY—UFO OR GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT?

At approximately 2:33 AM last Tuesday, several large beams of blue light were seen shooting down from the sky over Torn City. Witnesses reported strange humming noises, a metallic taste in their mouths, and even temporary paralysis as the lights hovered over several locations, including the hospital, the bank, and an undisclosed warehouse.

One motorist, ‘RickyDangles,’ claims he was driving when his car completely shut down, only to start again when the lights disappeared. “I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t normal.”

The Torn City Government, of course, denies all knowledge, but speculation is rampant. Are aliens watching us, or is the city hiding something far more sinister?

TOWN MOB ATTACKS “TIME TRAVELER” IN PARKING LOT

A man claiming to be a time traveler from the year 2094 was beaten senseless outside a Torn City bar after attempting to warn patrons of an impending disaster. The self-proclaimed "Chrono Explorer" staggered into the bar, wearing what he claimed was futuristic battle armor (later identified as a homemade tin foil suit), and began screaming about the “AI uprising” that would begin in Torn City in just ten years.

Patrons responded by laughing, throwing beer cans at him, and, when he attempted to escape, chasing him into a parking lot where he was promptly introduced to the business end of a steel-toed boot.

The so-called time traveler is recovering at the Torn City Hospital, refusing to speak to the press, only muttering cryptic phrases like "You fools... the machines already walk among you."

LOCAL DOCTOR CLAIMS HE PERFORMED SURGERY ON A DEMON

A well-known Torn City surgeon has shocked the medical world by claiming that he recently operated on a non-human entity. Dr. Reginald Murchison, a veteran of over 20 years in medicine, reported that an injured figure was brought into the ER late one night—covered in strange burns, with black blood that sizzled when exposed to air.

“I removed a shard of metal from its torso, and the wound closed instantly,” he claimed. “It spoke to me in a language I’ve never heard before, but I understood it. It told me I had saved it… but that my soul was now forfeit.”

The patient vanished hours later, leaving behind only an unidentified black residue on the operating table. Hospital staff refuse to confirm or deny the doctor’s claims. Is this man insane, or did he truly have a brush with the supernatural?

MUTANT FISH IN TORN CITY LAKE? ANGLER REPORTS CATCH WITH HUMAN TEETH

A local fisherman got the shock of his life after reeling in what should have been a routine catch. Instead, he pulled up a grotesque, bloated fish… with a full set of disturbingly human-like teeth.

“I thought it was a joke at first, but then it tried to bite me,” he said. “I ain’t never seen nothing like it.”

Marine biologists from Torn City University examined the fish and stated that it could be the result of illegal chemical dumping. But some believe something else is at play. One cryptozoologist theorized: “There are things in Torn City’s waters we were never meant to find.”

The fisherman, rather than submitting it to science, promptly fried and ate the fish.

His whereabouts are currently unknown.

CLASSIFIEDS

• FOR SALE: Haunted mirror. Whispers bad advice. $20 OBO. Contact HauntedCarl.

• HELP WANTED: Need someone to test experimental jetpack. Must sign waiver. No experience necessary. Contact MadScienceMikey.

• ROOM FOR RENT: Basement apartment with no windows. No questions asked. Bring your own lock. Contact DiscreetTenant.

• MISSING: One left shoe. Last seen running away on its own. Reward offered. Contact ConfusedCobbler.

TORN CITY HOROSCOPES

• Aries: You will find money this week! Unfortunately, it belongs to someone scarier than you.

• Taurus: Beware of pigeons. They are up to something.

• Gemini: Your enemies are closer than you think. Also, they are reading this right now.

• Cancer: This is a great week for love! Just kidding. Stay inside.

• Leo: The voices in your head have some good ideas. Maybe listen to them.

• Virgo: Someone will offer you a strange deal. Take it at your own risk.

TORN CITY WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Hail the size of golf balls. Good luck.

• Tuesday: Scattered showers of regret.

• Wednesday: Fog so thick you might not come back.

• Thursday: High winds. Watch out for flying people.

• Friday: Blood-red sunset. Don’t ask why.

That’s it for this week, Torn City! Keep your eyes peeled, stay paranoid, and most importantly—don’t trust the sewers.

- Weekly Torn News Team

WE HERE AT WEEKLY TORN NEWS WISH TO EXTEND OUR DEEPEST THANKS TO KamaKaze for our new office located behind Bangers and Cash Mechanic Shop! We finally are able to have an office thanks to all of the subscriber cash!

OUR NEW LOGO! WILL BE USED STARTING IN EPISODE 9!

Weekly Torn News - Issue #9

Welcome back, Torn City! This week’s edition is packed with scandals, strange sightings, and updates on the creatures lurking in our streets and skies. Let’s dive right in!

IS JOSHUAMASON WASTING SUBSCRIBER MONEY? SCANDAL ABOARD AN ALIEN STRIP CLUB!

Shocking news has surfaced regarding JoshuaMason, owner of Weekly Torn News, and his alleged misuse of subscription funds. This reporter personally spotted him aboard a UFO strip club, accompanied by none other than KamaKaze, the ever-present advertiser and owner of Bangers and Cash Mechanic Shop.

Both were seen enjoying lap dances from blue-skinned alien girls, with JoshuaMason overheard commenting that one dancer’s skin tasted like vanilla. When this reporter was noticed, JoshuaMason became irate, initially laughing at the idea of having "subscribers" before demanding to know who authorized the publication of this report.

As I was being escorted out, I heard KamaKaze mention something about Joshua "buying a her." Could this be a reference to Stacy, the new and eerily quiet girl in the mailroom? No one even knew we had a mailroom, or that we were hiring. Joshua was last heard saying he would pay one dollar for something—what exactly remains a mystery.

We will continue investigating this scandal.

HOMELESS MAN LOCKING HIMSELF IN PORTA JOHNS—IS HE BUILDING A TURDIS?

Across Torn City, residents are reporting encounters with a mysterious homeless man wearing a duffle coat and a long scarf who has been locking himself inside porta-johns. When concerned citizens knock on the door, he allegedly screams that this is his "TURDIS" and that he requires dilithium crystals to continue his mission.

Speculation is rampant. Some believe he is a time traveler. Others think he’s just a crazy old man who really likes portable toilets. Regardless, city officials are debating whether to intervene or just let the guy keep using Torn’s most unsanitary time machine.

POPEYE SPOTTED WORKING THE DOCKS IN TORN CITY

Eyewitness reports suggest that the legendary sailor Popeye is now a dockworker in Torn City. One waitress from a local diner claims he regularly stops in for breakfast, ordering a spinach and mushroom frittata.

“He always mutters something under his breath about needing to ‘stay strong’ and ‘fighting off Bluto,’” she said. “I thought he was joking, but then this huge guy in a striped shirt busted in and started a fight. Popeye cleaned his clock and walked out like nothing happened.”

Could it be that Popeye is hiding out in Torn City, taking a break from his sailor days? Or has spinach-fueled crime-fighting relocated to our streets? More updates as we investigate.

BAT BOY UPDATE—HAS HE FOUND A GIRLFRIEND?

After weeks of terrorizing Torn City alleyways, Bat Boy may have found something even scarier—love.

A young woman known as Misty “The Bat Whisperer” Henderson claims she has been in contact with Bat Boy and describes him as “misunderstood” and “deeply romantic.” She even showed off a series of love notes written in what appears to be bat guano on napkins.

However, some residents believe this could be a trick. Bat Boy’s behavior has not changed, and there are reports of him stealing Valentine’s Day chocolates from store shelves and delivering them to unknown locations. Is he preparing for a romantic bat wedding, or luring victims to his lair?

Time will tell.

RAT-MAN SPOTTED NEAR TORN CITY SUBWAY—GROWING BOLDER?

The sewer-dwelling Rat-Man has been seen closer to the surface than ever before, lurking near Torn City’s subway stations. A group of commuters claim they saw a giant rat-like figure peering out from a storm drain, hissing at passersby.

One man described the creature as “six feet tall, covered in matted fur, with long claws and glowing red eyes”. Another claimed he saw it dragging something heavy back into the tunnels.

Some believe Rat-Man is becoming bolder, possibly even planning something bigger than his usual midnight feasts. With homeless people still disappearing near underground tunnels, the question remains: Is Torn City safe?

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CLASSIFIEDS

• FOR SALE: One slightly used UFO. May contain trace amounts of alien glitter. Best offer accepted. Contact IntergalacticGambler.

• HELP WANTED: Seeking fearless investigator to enter Torn City sewers and confirm the existence of Rat-Man. Life insurance provided. Contact SewerSurvivor98.

• ROOM FOR RENT: Spacious abandoned warehouse. Ideal for quiet tenants with no moral objections to unexplained noises. Contact DiscreetLandlord.

• MISSING: Time-traveling porta-john. If found, do NOT attempt to open it. Contact NotADoctor.

TORN CITY WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Lightning storms. Stay grounded or don’t—your choice.

• Tuesday: Heavy fog, perfect for crime.

• Wednesday: Unexplained blood rain. Again.

• Thursday: Hail the size of canned beans. Stock up on helmets.

• Friday: Record high temperatures. The sewers might be extra active.

That’s all for this week, Torn City! Stay safe, stay skeptical, and watch out for alien scandals, mysterious drifters, and sewer monsters.

- Weekly Torn News Team

goddamn rat man eleusive bastard 

Very well written. Bet the lights are project blue beam

FEAR THE CRAB-CAT! FEAR.... THE CRAB-CAT!

Weekly Torn News - Issue #10 (Special Anniversary Edition)

🎉🎉🎉 WE MADE IT TO ISSUE #10! 🎉🎉🎉

That's right, Torn City! This marks our tenth edition of Weekly Torn News, and we couldn’t have done it without our loyal readers (and a very questionable lack of oversight). In true Torn City fashion, we’ve packed this special edition with weirdness, wild accusations, and cryptids dressed like beach tourists.

Let’s get into it!

KAMAKAZE REPORTS: SWAT TEAM BATTLES BIGFOOT IN SURF SHORTS

In what’s being called “Operation Sasquatch X”, Torn City SWAT units allegedly engaged in a shootout with a seven-foot-tall Bigfoot—but this wasn’t your average backwoods monster. Witnesses say the creature was wearing surf shorts, a ripped tank top, and cheap flip-flops.

Our very own field reporter KamaKaze, of Bangers and Cash fame, was first on the scene:

“It looked like Bigfoot just stepped off a beach boardwalk. I swear he was holding a Slurpee in one hand while swatting away tear gas canisters with the other.”

According to official sources (who, as usual, requested anonymity), the SWAT team unloaded full clips, only to watch the creature shrug it off like a mosquito bite.

“We hit him with everything short of a tank,” one SWAT officer admitted. “He grunted, called us a bunch of ‘nerds,’ then ran back into the woods.”

Local conspiracy theorists are now dubbing him “Brofoot”, claiming he might be a government experiment gone rogue. Others believe Bigfoot just needed a vacation and wandered too far from Venice Beach.

BAT BOY & BAT GIRL GO PUBLIC!

Our beloved cryptid, Bat Boy, has been spotted roaming the city hand-in-claw with a new companion—a female cryptid some are now calling Bat Girl.

Eyewitnesses describe her as slightly taller, with sleeker wings and a fashion sense that includes a leather jacket and combat boots. One source saw the two of them digging through a dumpster behind a florist shop, emerging with what appeared to be a bouquet of half-wilted roses.

“He’s clearly in love,” said local expert Misty ‘The Bat Whisperer’ Henderson. “They’re misunderstood creatures, just trying to live their best life in Torn.”

Some believe this is a sign of Bat Boy settling down, while others fear a potential breeding situation that could lead to an entire Bat Family terrorizing the alleys.

Stay tuned. We’ll keep an eye (and an ear) on this romantic cryptid saga.

POPEYE: UNION LEADER?

Torn City’s favorite sailor-turned-dockworker has apparently leveled up. Popeye has been spotted rallying dockworkers and leading union meetings in the back room of Larry’s One Stop Diner.

“He slammed down his coffee, grabbed the bill, and shouted ‘No more spinach rationing!’” said a waitress.

Sources confirm Popeye is now the head of the Dockworker’s Brotherhood Local 316, fighting for better pay, more spinach in the cafeteria, and free pipe-cleaning services.

Bluto was reportedly seen lurking outside one meeting, and rumors swirl that a labor showdown might be on the horizon.

POLICE UNDER SCRUTINY FOR… DONUT THEFT?

In a rare act of goodwill reporting, we shine a spotlight on Torn City’s police force—but maybe not for the reasons they’d like.

Multiple bakeries have reported mysterious break-ins, but nothing was stolen except dozens of glazed and powdered donuts.

When approached for comment, an officer nervously wiped jelly off his chin and said, “We’re investigating all leads.”

One theory? The police are staging ‘undercover stakeouts’ inside bakeries. Another theory? They just really, really like free pastries.

Either way, morale at the precinct is reportedly higher than ever—coinciding with a recent spike in cholesterol screenings.

EDITOR’S CORNER: ARE THE LIZARD PEOPLE WATCHING ME?

Since sending Torn City Times a message announcing our existence, I’ve noticed strange figures tailing me around Torn City. Scaly hands disappearing behind dumpsters, blinking vertical pupils peering at me from sewer grates, and one particularly well-dressed reptilian sipping coffee two tables over at Country Kitchen.

Coincidence? I think not.

Could the Torn City Times have activated sleeper agents? Have they dispatched their lizard overlords to spy on Weekly Torn News? Am I paranoid, or is this exactly what they want me to think?

Either way, if you don’t hear from me next issue, send backup—and bring anti-reptilian spray.

- Joshua Mason, Definitely Not Paranoid Editor

CLASSIFIEDS

• FOR SALE: One pair of surf shorts, slightly damaged. Smells faintly of swamp. Contact Brofoot.

• HELP WANTED: Seeking couples therapist specializing in cryptid relationships. Must accept bat guano as payment. Contact MistyH.

• ROOM FOR RENT: Spare room available. Must be cool with occasional Bigfoot guests and unexplained screaming from the woods. Contact DefinitelyNotBigfoot.

• MISSING: A SWAT van’s entire crate of tear gas grenades. Last seen being juggled by a barefoot cryptid.

TORN CITY WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Dense fog rolls in—perfect for smuggling or romantic sewer strolls.

• Tuesday: Light showers and heavy sightings of questionable creatures.

• Wednesday: Slightly radioactive sunlight. Wear SPF 3000.

• Thursday: Thunderstorms expected, but mostly centered around the police station’s break room.

• Friday: Clear skies, but heavy donut fallout.

Thanks for sticking with us for ten whole issues! Here’s to many more tales of weirdness, scandals, and possibly cursed baked goods.

- The Weekly Torn News Team

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Weekly Torn News – Issue #11

Welcome back, Torn City weirdos and believers! You made it to Issue #11, which statistically proves you either enjoy the truth... or can’t look away from a dumpster fire of glorious nonsense. Either way, we’re glad you’re here.

This week we’ve got political scandal, crab-cat conspiracies, cryptid love updates, and our usual collection of strange urban insanity. Let’s dive in.

EDITORIAL: IS MAYORAL CANDIDATE GERALD PRATT A LIZARD PERSON?

By JoshuaMason, Owner & Editor-in-Paranoia

Let me start by saying I’m not one to throw wild accusations without at least 30 seconds of frantic Googling to back me up. That said, I’ve been watching Mayoral Candidate Gerald Pratt, and I have concerns.

First off, no one blinks that little. The man stared directly into the camera during an entire 9-minute campaign video without blinking once. And I watched it. Twice. (Yes, I need a hobby.)

Secondly, his obsession with heat lamps and mealworms is allegedly “just a health fad,” but the last person I knew who ate like that shed their skin on the bus.

Finally, I asked him point-blank at a campaign meet-and-greet if he was part of the Torn City Times Lizard Cabal, and he smiled, adjusted his tie, and said: “You can’t prove anything.”

No denial. No outrage. Just reptilian smugness.

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions—but remember: they walk among us. And they’re running for office.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: WHERE IS YOUR WARNING ABOUT THE CRAB-CAT?!

Submitted by DefinitelyNotHeckleFish

Listen. I’ve read your little paper. It’s got monsters, it’s got scandals, it’s got a cryptid love story that honestly had more emotional weight than my last three relationships. BUT...

Not ONCE have I seen a single word about the Crab-Cat. You know what I’m talkin’ about! It’s got claws! It meows! It walks sideways and steals fish sandwiches right outta people’s hands!

I find it VERY DISTURBING that you’re out here writing about donut thieves and sewer bats while completely ignoring the obvious crustacean-feline hybrid terrorizing our coastlines.

You think it’s a joke? Oh, ho ho, no sir. I saw one knock a man off a bicycle. On purpose. He was just trying to deliver pizza!

Anyway, love the paper. Keep up the good work. Just... maybe warn people about the Crab-Cat before it’s too late.

Signed,
DefinitelyNotHeckleFish

We are currently investigating.

CRYPTID COUPLE WATCH: BAT BOY & BAT GIRL MOVE INTO ABANDONED WATER TOWER

Our favorite winged weirdos have officially shacked up—multiple reports confirm that Bat Boy and Bat Girl have taken residence inside the old South End water tower.

Locals say the tower now echoes with chirps, squeaks, and emo music, and that trash bags full of half-eaten chocolates and glitter-covered bottle caps have been tossed out the hatch.

“They seem happy,” said Misty ‘The Bat Whisperer’ Henderson. “It’s weirdly wholesome.”

City Hall has declared the structure "an unregistered love nest”, but honestly, it’s the most stable housing arrangement in Torn City.

UPDATE: BROFOOT SPOTTED ON THE BEACH—SURFING?

Eyewitnesses at Torn Lake Beach claim that Brofoot—the SWAT-dodging cryptid from Issue #10—was seen catching waves on a paddleboard.

“He was actually really chill,” said one beachgoer. “He offered me a Capri Sun and told me to ‘stay rad.’”

A tourist captured a blurry photo of Brofoot doing the shaka sign. Torn City PD was dispatched but tripped over a volleyball net and gave up.

UPDATE: LIZARD PEOPLE DENY INVOLVEMENT IN EDITOR STALKING INCIDENT

In a press release issued via an unmarked envelope full of scales and glitter, the Torn City Lizard Alliance stated:

“We categorically deny sending agents to tail Mr. Mason. Any resemblance to trench coat-wearing diners is purely coincidental and definitely not surveillance. Also, please stop calling our hotline at 3 AM.”

So… there you go. Totally trustworthy.

CLASSIFIEDS 

• FOR SALE: Slightly dented paddleboard. May contain cryptid fur. Contact Brofoot.

• HELP WANTED: Seeking reliable mail carrier willing to deliver to abandoned water towers. Must not be afraid of bats. Contact MistyH.

• ROOMMATE NEEDED: Must tolerate loud squeaking at night, emo playlists, and occasional guano incidents. Rent negotiable. Contact BatGirl.

• MISSING: One bicycle, one pizza, one large chunk of dignity. Contact guy who got crab-punched.

TORN CITY WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Clear skies. Stay alert. It’s always calm before the cryptid.

• Tuesday: Thick fog rolls in again. Or is that crab-cat camouflage?

• Wednesday: Humid with a 90% chance of something scuttling.

• Thursday: Cold front brought in by Brofoot’s chill vibes.

• Friday: Acid drizzle and psychic migraines. Stay inside.

We’ll be back next week with more truth, terror, and tales of questionable journalism!

- The Weekly Torn News Team

At last there's something to read here that isn't the entirely made up nonsense that the so-called Torn City Times inflicts upon us.

I'm rivetted, absolutely rivetted.

Of course that's just a rumour, it isn't actually a thing.

I mean I do spend a lot of time over at the Raceway slaving over my bodywork, but that's only to be expected ....isn't it?

Ygaria_Varr, Thank you for being a new Subscriber! We look forward to serving you your weekly dose of Truth here in Torn City! ;-)

🐊📰 WEEKLY TORN NEWS 📰🐊

"Bringing You the Truth (or at Least a Very Entertaining Version of It)"
Proudly serving Torn since last Tuesday.
Editor-in-Chief: Joshua Mason
Layout Design: Duct Tape & Prayer
Conspiracy Columnist: KamaKaze
Printed at the abandoned print shop next to that one gas station that still sells RC Cola.

BREAKING: Torn City Limits Sign Vandalized – Citizens Now Living in “TRON”?!

This just in—residents of Torn may now be part of a glitch in the Matrix.

Earlier this week, local mechanic and part-time bass thumper KamaKaze and yours truly (Editor Joshua Mason) were out for a completely legitimate test drive of a customer’s ‘88 Monte Carlo SS—freshly tuned at Bangers and Cash Mechanic Shop—when we discovered something strange on the outskirts of town…

The iconic Torn City Limits sign has been mysteriously altered.

Someone—clearly with a can of red spray paint and too much free time—tagged the sign in such a way that “TORN” now reads like TRON. The paint job is, frankly, sloppy... yet artistically bold in a sort of low-effort-anarchist kind of way. Think Banksy, but if he got kicked out of art school for failing spray paint 101.

Witness Statements

When asked for comment, KamaKaze simply said, “Bro…” and stared at the sky for several minutes. It should be noted that he has recently reported unmarked black helicopters following him ever since he installed that suspicious “free satellite” dish behind the shop.

Coincidence? You tell us.

A Word from the Editor

As Editor of this fine publication, let me be absolutely clear:
We had nothing to do with this.
Seriously. Nothing.

We just happened to be there.
In a borrowed car.
At 2:17 a.m.
With a bag of tacos, a flashlight, and a camera.

So before the Lizard Overlords start spreading misinformation through their weather-control satellites or calling this “another deliberate act of municipal mischief,” let me say on the record:

“This wasn’t us. Probably.”

More updates to come if we’re still allowed to print next week.

Stay Torn,
– Joshua Mason
Owner, Editor, and Totally Innocent Bystander

Weekly Torn News – Issue #12

Welcome back, dear readers, to Issue #12 of the only news outlet brave (or dumb) enough to report the real stories the Torn City Times won’t touch. We’re talking vandalism scandals, alien abductions, and suspicious signage—just your average week in Torn City.

BREAKING: Torn City Limits Sign Vandalized – Citizens Now Living in “TRON”?!

This just in—residents of Torn may now be part of a glitch in the Matrix.

Earlier this week, local mechanic and part-time bass thumper KamaKaze and yours truly (Editor Joshua Mason) were out for a completely legitimate test drive of a customer’s ‘88 Monte Carlo SS—freshly tuned at Bangers and Cash Mechanic Shop—when we discovered something strange on the outskirts of town…

The iconic Torn City Limits sign has been mysteriously altered.

Someone—clearly with a can of red spray paint and too much free time—tagged the sign in such a way that “TORN” now reads like TRON. The paint job is, frankly, sloppy... yet artistically bold in a sort of low-effort-anarchist kind of way. Think Banksy, but if he got kicked out of art school for failing spray paint 101.

Witness Statements

When asked for comment, KamaKaze simply said, “Bro…” and stared at the sky for several minutes. It should be noted that he has recently reported unmarked black helicopters following him ever since he installed that suspicious “free satellite” dish behind the shop.

Coincidence? You tell us.

A Word from the Editor

As Editor of this fine publication, let me be absolutely clear: We had nothing to do with this. Seriously. Nothing.

We just happened to be there. In a borrowed car. At 2:17 a.m. With a bag of tacos, a flashlight, and a camera.

So before the Lizard Overlords start spreading misinformation through their weather-control satellites or calling this “another deliberate act of municipal mischief,” let me say on the record:

“This wasn’t us. Probably.”

In fact, we volunteered to clean the sign up, and even offered to replace it with a brand new one featuring real wood and recycled scrap from KamaKaze’s shop. The city refused, claiming our plaque reading ‘Installed by Weekly Torn News – You’re Welcome’ was “inappropriate.”

So now we’re looking into building our own city. Working title: Tornier City.

UPDATE ON THE “TRON” INCIDENT

Despite our earlier efforts to be part of the solution and not the problem (you’re welcome, again), city officials have now added “enhanced surveillance” near the Torn City Limits sign. What they failed to mention is that their new camera setup was immediately tagged with googly eyes and a Bangers and Cash bumper sticker within 12 hours.

Once again, we’d like to reiterate, we had absolutely nothing to do with it. Not even a little. Not even the googly eyes. (Okay, those were funny—but still. Not us.)

KamaKaze has gone on record saying, “We would never tamper with a government camera... unless it owed us money.”

At press time, a new sign mockup designed by Joshua Mason had been submitted to the city. It features a majestic pelican, a racing lawnmower, and the words ‘Welcome to Torn—No Refunds.’ It was rejected instantly.

The saga continues…

BREAKING: Local Celebrity 'Sugarvalves' Abducted by Aliens?

Reports are coming in that Torn City’s beloved socialite and possible part-time lounge singer, Sugarvalves, has vanished under mysterious circumstances.

Several witnesses claim to have seen a glowing light descend behind the Junkyard around midnight, followed by a loud whoosh, a burst of glitter, and what one bystander described as “a faint echo of saxophone music.”

Concerned citizen Ygaria_Varr had this to say:

“You really never, never, never ever know... what's really happening in Torn City.

I've been here a while and have literally no clue as to what the heck is going on.

Total, complete absolute mystery; put me in a machine and colour me Velma kind of mysterious. Talking mammals, feet photographers, weirdly polite assassins, cryptids lurking behind chimneys. Odd, distinctly odd.”

The Weekly Torn News Team is investigating. If you or someone you know has information about Sugarvalves’ whereabouts—or owns a telescope that doubles as a glitter detector—please reach out.

Weekly Torn News is now officially accepting submissions on Past Life Experiences. Have you ever felt a strange connection to a historical figure, a Roman gladiator, or maybe a disgruntled goat herder? We want to hear from you.

Editor Joshua Mason himself had a bizarre dream last week where he was a goldfish wearing a tin foil hat, swimming frantically through the ocean while being pursued by a Crab-Cat on a tiny underwater scooter. In the dream, he was warning the other fish to hide, but they all just laughed at him and called him "Paranoi-o-Fin."

So… if you’ve lived before, or at least dreamed it with enough detail to freak yourself out, drop us a message. We promise not to let the Crab-Cat silence the truth.

QUICK UPDATES

• Crab-Cat has reportedly commandeered a seafood truck. The driver said he was “politely pinched and asked to vacate.” The truck was last seen swerving near the docks, blasting sea shanties from the radio.

• Gerald Pratt, the maybe-lizard mayoral candidate, blinked during a debate. Once. For 0.4 seconds. Analysts are divided on whether this was a glitch, an intentional PR stunt, or a rare reptilian display of trust.

• Bat Boy and Bat Girl have started a community compost pile outside their water tower. It reportedly smells like romance and trash, but locals say their tomato plants have never been healthier.

• Brofoot has launched a social media channel for “board sport cryptids.” The first post was a video titled, “How to Ollie When You Have Hairy Feet.” It’s already gone viral with the sasquatch crowd.

THE STRANGEST BREAK-IN YET

In what police are now calling "the most wholesome crime wave Torn City has ever experienced," a mysterious elderly man known only as That Old Fart has been breaking into homes across the city… to tuck people in and leave them Chocolate Yoohoo.

Yes, you read that right.

Multiple residents have reported waking up to find their blankets expertly tucked around them and a cold, unopened bottle of Yoohoo sitting neatly on their nightstand. There are no signs of forced entry, theft, or even discomfort—just a lingering scent of peppermint and mothballs.

One startled but well-rested woman told us:

“At first I thought it was a dream, but then I saw the Yoohoo. I live alone. I don’t even buy Yoohoo. Now I keep a little cookie on the nightstand in case he comes back.”

Surveillance footage from one apartment complex shows a fuzzy figure shuffling down the hallway in slippers, carrying what appears to be a quilted satchel full of bottled nostalgia.

Authorities say they are baffled and unsure whether to praise him or charge him with unauthorized bedtime comfort.

The mystery continues…

CLASSIFIEDS

• FOUND: One saxophone. Emits faint alien humming. Contact DefinitelyNotSugarvalves.

• FOR SALE: Tornier City citizenship papers. Includes a sticker and emotional baggage. Contact JoshuaMason.

• WANTED: New city sign. Must resist graffiti, and also sarcasm. Contact City Hall (they won’t respond).

• MISSING: One seafood truck. One crab-cat. Possibly together. Please return both.

TORN CITY WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Showers of mystery. Bring an umbrella and a conspiracy board.

• Tuesday: Blinding sunlight. Or a UFO spotlight. We’re not sure.

• Wednesday: Mild gusts. Possibly from cryptid wings.

• Thursday: City-wide sigh of confusion.

• Friday: Weather unknown. We gave up.

Stay safe, stay skeptical, and remember: If someone offers you a free ride to space, ask if it includes snacks.

- The Weekly Torn News Team

Weekly Torn News – Issue #13

Congratulations, reader—you’ve survived another week in Torn City, and we’re back to bring you the stories too strange for your average newspaper (and probably too bizarre for your therapist).

This week’s edition includes fruit-based vandalism, a new message from the Crab-Cat Resistance, and a thrilling update from a man who believes his microwave is a time portal. Let’s get into it!

Bizarre Incident at Farmer's Market: “Banana Tagger” Caught in the Act

Chaos erupted this week at the Torn City Farmer’s Market when a man began tagging fruit with Sharpies, writing things like:

• “NOT A REAL STRAWBERRY”

• “THIS GRAPE SEES INTO YOUR SOUL”

• “EAT ME AND YOU’LL KNOW TOO MUCH”

Eyewitnesses say the suspect—described as wearing a trench coat, sandals, and mismatched socks—fled after being asked to pay for an avocado.

“He screamed something about fruit conspiracies and vanished into the melon tent,” said one vendor.

Police have recovered 34 defaced bananas and one suspiciously labeled coconut reading, "I am the chosen one."

Authorities are asking the public to be wary of prophetic produce.

EXCLUSIVE: Microwave Time Travel? Or Just Burnt Burritos?

Local resident Martin 'Skippy' VanWorth claims he discovered time travel via his microwave while trying to heat up leftover nachos.

“I punched in 4:44 and suddenly I was in 1997,” said Skippy, who was wearing a slap bracelet and playing with a Tamagotchi at the time of the interview.

He says he has no proof, except for a polaroid of himself “giving advice to a younger me about never trusting a man in a cape.”

Scientists at Torn City Tech Institute have dismissed his claims, noting, “He also tried to prove his toaster was a gateway to Atlantis last year.”

Still, residents are advised not to microwave anything on high for longer than four minutes, just in case.

Crab-Cat Leaves Warning on Beach: 'YOU'VE BEEN CLAWED'

Vacationers at Torn Shore were startled this week when a giant crab-cat claw print was discovered in the sand—next to a half-eaten sandwich and a message written in seaweed: "YOU’VE BEEN CLAWED."

Marine biologists say this could be territorial behavior.

Beach security has been increased, but so far the crab-cat has not returned—though someone did report seeing a bottle of Old Bay seasoning half-buried near a sandcastle.

CLASSIFIED ADS

• FOR SALE: Prophetic banana. May scream at night. No refunds.

• FOUND: One microwave. Smells like 1997. Contact Skippy.

• WANTED: Translator fluent in seaweed. Contact the Crab-Cat Watch.

• FREE TO GOOD HOME: Slightly used melon tent. Haunted.

WEATHER REPORT

• Monday: Mango fog advisory. Wear citrus-proof boots.

• Tuesday: Time vortex chance: 18%. Carry snacks from multiple decades.

• Wednesday: Partly cloudy, mostly suspicious.

• Thursday: Light drizzle of disbelief.

• Friday: Unknown. Our weather rock was stolen again.

If your fruit is talking, your microwave is humming, or you’ve been clawed in your sleep—you know who to call.

- The Weekly Torn News Team