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![Kostaven [3512139]](/images/honors/944/h.png)
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better than the actual new paper
Weekly Torn News
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Thread created on 07:04:58 - 22/01/25 (5 months ago)|Last replied 23:09:51 - 06/05/25 (2 months ago)
Weekly Torn News: Edition #1
Bringing You the Unbelievable, the Hilarious, and the Absolutely Torn-tastic!
ALIEN INVASION IN TORN CITY – THEY WANT OUR FISHING SPOTS!
Eyewitness reports flooded the forums this week as Torn residents claimed to see glowing UFOs hovering over the city’s harbor. Fisherman420, a longtime dock denizen, swore he saw a green, slimy alien stealing his prized tuna right off the line!
“They didn’t even pay docking fees!” he fumed, shaking his tackle box. Authorities have not confirmed the reports but advised residents to “keep an eye on their rods.” Could Torn City be a new galactic fishing hotspot? Or is this the work of rival faction Galactic Squids?
Stay tuned for updates... or probe marks. 👽
SECRET TO TORN RICHES: MYSTERIOUS NPC HANDS OUT BILLIONS
Word on the streets is that an unknown NPC named “Granny Megabucks” has been randomly distributing billions of Torn Dollars to lucky players who engage in suspiciously mundane activities.
“I was just mugging someone, minding my own business, when she showed up and gave me $3 billion!” said KingOfMugs. “She smelled like cookies and cigars.”
Granny Megabucks was last seen at the West Side gym, where she reportedly muttered, “Only the strong survive, but the lucky thrive.” Is she a benevolent benefactor, or a secret test by the admins to monitor greed levels? Only time will tell.
FACTION WARS UPDATE: CHIHUAHUA GANG DECLARES WAR ON MEGA BEARS
The Torn forums erupted in disbelief as The Chihuahua Syndicate officially declared war on Mega Bears United. Armed with nothing but bite-sized ambition, the Chihuahuas promised to “chew through the ankles” of the towering Mega Bears.
Spokesdog BarkyBoy issued a bold statement:
“We might be small, but we’re ferocious! Fear the bark!”The Mega Bears, unfazed, responded by releasing footage of their newest faction member, Bearzoid the Mauler, bench-pressing tanks. Let’s see if these underdogs—or under-Chihuahuas—can claw out a victory.
BATTLESTATS SCANDAL: IS “MR. SWOLE” JUICING?
Controversy shook the Torn gym scene this week as whispers spread about Mr. Swole, the gym’s most intimidating presence. After setting a new bench-press record of 10,000 lbs (while eating a burrito), some players are accusing him of using stat-boosting “supplements.”
“He’s clearly on Energy Cans!” said an anonymous source. “No one gets that strong just eating Torn Burritos.”
Mr. Swole denies all allegations, claiming his secret lies in “hard work, good macros, and seven refills a day.” Admins are investigating whether the burrito was, in fact, performance-enhancing.
CLASSIFIEDS
- For Sale: One slightly-used Xanax, found in the docks. May or may not be haunted. DM QuickFingers.
- Help Wanted: Assassin needed to “convince” a faction leader to step down. Pays in Dog Tags. Contact SilentSteve.
- Missing: My dignity after an unsuccessful mug. Last seen with a level 100 player. Reward negotiable.
HOROSCOPE FOR TORN RESIDENTS
- Capricorn: Stop mugging level 5s. Karma is watching.
- Leo: Don’t trust the guy selling flowers. They’re explosive.
- Virgo: Invest in canned food. The Torn apocalypse is near.
That’s it for this week, Tornites! Remember: Stay safe, stay chaotic, and stay Torn-tastic!
Got a tip or an outrageous Torn tale? Submit it to the Weekly Torn News team for next week’s edition!Last edited by JoshuaMason on 02:03:28 - 14/03/25 (4 months ago) -
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Posted on 12:33:18 - 22/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
Bro, one time when i fishing at the edge of lake there's this green dude with 5 nipples gave me $50 to f**k off from my fishing spot. Shit is real!!
Last edited by Kostaven on 12:39:36 - 22/01/25 (5 months ago) -
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Posted on 00:02:12 - 23/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
No, not ever...
The Weekly World News was one of the greatest newspapers ever printed, this is just weak shit in comparison...
Poor weak shit as well...
I will never lie to you. What I say is how I feel...
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Posted on 05:33:37 - 23/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
NO! WEEKLY WORLD NEWS COPY!
Last edited by JoshuaMason on 05:34:24 - 23/01/25 (5 months ago) -
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Posted on 05:46:37 - 23/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
Lesbian Alien-Human Hybrid Speaks Only German Following Head Injury!
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Posted on 05:53:04 - 23/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
uhhhh wut
Suggestion to show factions previous names:
https://www.torn.com/forums.php#/p=threads&f=4&t=16441686&b=0&a=0
Suggestion to allow us to wear FANNY PACKS: https://www.torn.com/forums.php#/p=threads&f=4&t=16360529&b=0&a=0
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Posted on 01:27:47 - 27/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
Weekly Torn News: Issue #2
The Stories You Didn’t Know You Needed, and Definitely Can’t Believe!
FOLLOW-UP: ALIEN INVASION IN TORN CITY – THEY WANT OUR FISHING SPOTS!
We’ve received groundbreaking new testimony from Torn user Kostaven, who shared this chilling encounter:
"Bro, one time when I was fishing at the edge of the lake, this green dude with 5 nipples gave me $50 to f**k off from my fishing spot. Shit is real!!"
The sheer audacity of these alien anglers! Residents are now speculating whether Torn’s waterfront is secretly hosting a galactic fishing tournament. Faction leaders are debating whether to declare war on these extraterrestrial trespassers, citing a clear violation of Torn sovereignty (and fishing etiquette).
We’ve reached out to the city council for comment, but their only response was: “Have you tried NOT fishing?”
Stay vigilant, Tornites. And maybe bring extra cash next time you fish… just in case.
BREAKING: LESBIAN ALIEN-HUMAN HYBRID SPEAKS ONLY GERMAN FOLLOWING HEAD INJURY!
By request from user potatolimerance, we’ve uncovered this shocking tale that’s sweeping the outskirts of Torn City.
Dr. Garbenschmitz, a local neurosurgeon (and level 92 player), has revealed that an alleged alien-human hybrid, Eleni von Blorkstein, recently appeared in the hospital with a suspicious head wound. Following the injury, Eleni, who previously spoke fluent English and Zeta Reticulan, now communicates exclusively in flawless German.
The kicker? She insists on quoting only from the 19th-century German cookbook Kochkunst und Hausfrauengeheimnisse during conversations.
When asked for comment, Eleni declared: “Ein gutes Sauerkraut braucht Zeit, genau wie intergalaktische Liebe!” (Translation: “A good sauerkraut takes time, just like intergalactic love!”)
We’re working to verify this story. Meanwhile, Torn’s German-speaking players have mobilized, claiming Eleni as their faction’s new mascot. Is this a miracle, a conspiracy, or just really bad RNG?
TORN LEGENDS: THE RETURN OF “MYSTERIOUS GRANNY MEGABUCKS”
Granny Megabucks struck again this week! User StealthPickle reported receiving $5 billion after offering her a torn flower at the park. In exchange, she whispered, “Good things come to those who bloom.”
Another player, PistolPenguin, claimed she gifted him $10 billion for crafting a haiku about honor and gym gains. Experts speculate Granny is either an experimental NPC or Torn’s ultimate wildcard. Either way, she’s changing lives… one cryptic encounter at a time.
Remember: Be kind to wandering grannies. You never know when you’ll meet the legend herself!
FACTION NEWS: CHIHUAHUA SYNDICATE WINS WAR – BIGGER DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN BETTER!
Against all odds, the tiny but tenacious Chihuahua Syndicate triumphed over the behemoths of Mega Bears United! Using tactics like hit-and-run muggings and guerrilla barkfare, they brought the bears to their knees.
Faction leader BarkyBoy celebrated by posting a picture of himself gnawing on a Mega Bears’ dog tag:
"Who’s got the last chew now? Fear the bark, baby!"The Mega Bears declined to comment, though witnesses saw a few members sulking by the docks, tossing fish into the water. Rumor has it they’re rebranding as Humbled Bears Society.
CLASSIFIEDS
- For Sale: Slightly damaged UFO sighted at Torn Docks. Only takes Martian credits. Contact Zorgo420.
- Job Opportunity: Translator needed for alien-human hybrid. Must speak German and love pickles. DM LinguistLarry.
- Lost: One Mega Bear pride. If found, return to BarkyBoy.
TORN HOROSCOPE
- Aries: You’ll win big in the casino… unless you’re carrying more than $500k. Watch your back.
- Taurus: The gym is calling. Answer it, or Mr. Swole will eat your burrito.
- Scorpio: That suspicious flower seller isn’t an NPC. Mug wisely.
That’s it for this week, Tornites! Keep the submissions coming, and don’t forget to lock your fishing rods. Who knows what next week will bring?
Last edited by JoshuaMason on 02:03:55 - 14/03/25 (4 months ago) -
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Posted on 02:52:54 - 27/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
I will find granny mega bucks!!!! Where ish sheeee!!! 😝
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Posted on 04:08:00 - 27/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
When you find her, let me know :-) We have questions for her!
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- AngelicOus [2739135]
- Role: Civilian
- Level: 51
- Posts: 344
- Karma: 50
- Last Action: 1 month
Posted on 20:50:41 - 27/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link)) Lol this thing is kept written. :)
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Posted on 05:00:33 - 28/01/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
I plan on releasing a new one every week :-) was always a fan of the real world one and wanted something fun to do here LOL
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Posted on 20:17:40 - 02/02/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
Weekly Torn News: Issue #3
The Only News Source That Matters (or at Least the One That Makes You Laugh!)
GRANNY MEGA BUCKS: THE HUNT BEGINS!
The search for Torn’s most mysterious and generous citizen has reached new heights!
After our last report, user KameKaze, the Director of Bangers and Cash Mechanic Shop and Level 2 General of The Cartel Gods, sent a message to Weekly Torn News, declaring:
"I will find Granny Mega Bucks!!!! Where ish sheeee!!!"
Determined to track down the elusive billionaire benefactor, KameKaze has reportedly started a citywide manhunt, questioning flower sellers, NPCs, and even bribing the old folks at the bingo hall for leads.
New Sightings:
- User BigDaddyYacht claims to have spotted Granny at the Casino, whispering stock tips to a man in a trench coat.
- A hospital worker swears they saw her dropping off "healing cookies" for patients.
- @RamenGambler69 believes she’s controlling the Stock Market, citing a sudden spike in canned bean prices.
The mystery deepens. Will KameKaze catch Granny, or will she remain Torn’s most legendary enigma? Keep your eyes peeled, folks. And if you see an old lady carrying sacks of cash… maybe compliment her knitting skills.
BREAKING: NEW SYNDICATE OF AI-POWERED ROBOTS TAKING OVER THE JOB MARKET!
Torn City businesses are in full panic mode after reports surfaced that an underground faction, The Cyborg Conglomerate, is replacing human workers with AI-powered employees!
Local job seekers are furious, claiming these machines work 24/7, demand no pay, and never stop to complain about the company coffee machine being broken.
Business owners, however, are thrilled.
- The Torn City Gym replaced all personal trainers with AI coaches, who yell “No excuses, human!” every time someone skips leg day.
- The Car Wash now has robotic attendants programmed to insult you if your car is too dirty. (”Your mother would be ashamed.”)
- The Pawn Shop AI assesses items in milliseconds, but mysteriously values random objects at millions while rejecting actual valuables.
Will Torn's workforce rise up against the machines? Or will we all end up begging an AI for crime job handouts?
Stay tuned!
TORN POLICE BLOW UNDERCOVER OP – LOSE 50 MILLION IN STASH HOUSE RAID!
In what’s being described as "the worst police op since the infamous Doughnut Heist of ‘09", Torn City officers accidentally raided their own stash house, mistaking it for a crime syndicate’s hideout.
What went wrong?
- Officers mistook a training simulation for a real mission.
- One officer accidentally tased himself, causing chaos.
- The evidence locker was emptied before they realized their mistake.
When asked about the blunder, Chief Hardcastle only muttered, “We need better maps…”
The real criminals? Still at large—probably laughing their way to the Cayman Islands.
TORN CITY UFO UPDATE – THE ALIENS ARE GETTING BOLDER!
Just when we thought we’d had enough of these intergalactic fishing bandits, reports are coming in that they’ve upgraded their strategy!
User ScalefishLord claims that during his night fishing session, a bright beam of light stole his entire tackle box.
Meanwhile, MoonBoots42 reports that “a floating green dude offered me 3 torn dollars and a slice of cheese for my fishing pole.”
Are these aliens adapting? Are they trying to negotiate now? Or is this just a next-level NPC scam?
Whatever the case, Torn’s Fisherman Faction is calling for war. Expect fishing permit prices to skyrocket.
FACTION WARS: NEW TREND – FIGHTING IN ANIMAL COSTUMES?!
A bizarre new tactic has emerged in Torn’s brutal faction wars: combat in full-body animal costumes.
Why? According to an anonymous faction leader:
- “The psychological warfare is insane.”
- “People hesitate to punch a grown man in a bunny suit.”
- “It’s harder to see who’s who.”
Faction Panda Strike Force pioneered the trend, with Koala Kommando and Wolf Pack Militia quickly following.
Meanwhile, Serious Business Inc. refuses to participate, stating: “We have standards. Low ones. But standards.”
Will the madness continue, or is this just another passing Torn trend?
CLASSIFIEDS
- For Sale: Slightly used grappling hook, only dropped once. Contact: NinjaWaffles
- Help Wanted: Searching for a stock market psychic. Will pay in gum or torn dollars. DM: CoinFlipper77
- Lost: My dignity after getting beaten by a man in a penguin suit. Please return.
TORN HOROSCOPE
- Gemini – Someone will offer you a “once in a lifetime” deal. It’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.
- Virgo – Your gym gains are impressive. So impressive, in fact, that someone is plotting to mug you. Stay sharp.
- Capricorn – Granny Mega Bucks may bless you… or may be watching you. Either way, be ready.
That’s it for this week’s edition of Weekly Torn News! Keep sending in your wildest reports, and remember: watch your back, check your bank, and never trust an alien with your fishing pole.
Last edited by JoshuaMason on 02:04:10 - 14/03/25 (4 months ago) -
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Posted on 20:18:16 - 09/02/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
Weekly Torn News: Issue #4
The Only News That Matters (Unless You’re a Cop Trying to Do Your Job!)
BREAKING: GETTING ARRESTED IN TORN CITY… IMPOSSIBLE?
Torn resident KameKaze recently made a shocking discovery: getting thrown in jail when you actually want to is way harder than expected!
In a direct message to Weekly Torn News, KameKaze vented his frustrations:
"I got a mission that required prison time, so I was basically harassing cops in the subway. But instead of arresting me, one just took my gun and said, ‘Ah, I needed a new gun anyway!’ Another one just beat me down, and I was lying there screaming, ‘SEND ME TO JAIL!!!’"
Despite desperate attempts to get locked up, Torn PD officers refused to cooperate. This raises an important question: Are Torn cops just desensitized to crime, or are they secretly running a "catch-and-release" policy to save on paperwork?
Local jail inmates have also reported confusion, with one saying, "Man, I been tryin’ to get OUT, and here y’all are, tryin’ to get in? Wild times."
For those on jail time missions, be warned: Torn PD may just take your lunch money and walk away.
(See attached image for visual representation of KameKaze's struggle.)
UFO UPDATE: SHOOTING STAR MAKES RIGHT-ANGLE TURN—ALIEN INTERVENTION?
A Torn resident, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported a truly otherworldly event while heading home from work:
"I saw a shooting star make a right-angle turn. I was like =O. I was on the phone with my dad, and he was just like, ‘You just saw a UFO.’"
Experts (aka some guy we met at the casino) suggest that this could be the most compelling evidence yet that UFOs aren’t just fishing in Torn waters—they’re watching us from above.
- Could this be the work of the same aliens who bribed fishermen for their spots?
- Are hyper-intelligent extraterrestrials now practicing advanced evasive maneuvers to avoid detection?
- Or… was this just a really weird optical illusion caused by Torn’s pollution levels?
No official government statement has been made—possibly because Torn officials are still debating whether “aliens” are just really well-disguised NPC scammers.
(See attached image for artistic recreation of the event!)
GRANNY MEGA BUCKS: THE HUNT CONTINUES!
After weeks of speculation, Granny Mega Bucks has gone completely off the grid.
Despite KameKaze’s relentless manhunt, all known leads have turned up empty.
- A Torn casino dealer claimed she was last seen placing a billion-dollar bet on a coin flip.
- A street vendor swears he saw her donating gold bars to the city’s pigeons.
- A low-level mugger tried to rob her and woke up in the hospital with a handwritten note that said, “Bad manners.”
With no confirmed sightings in over a week, the mystery deepens.
Will KameKaze be the one to crack the case? Or has Granny Mega Bucks evolved beyond the reach of mere mortals?
FACTION NEWS: “TINY FACTIONS” FIGHT BACK WITH WEIRD WAR TACTICS!
Tired of being crushed by top-tier warring factions, smaller crews are getting creative.
A faction known as “The Lil’ Rascals” has started employing psychological warfare tactics, including:
- Running into battles wearing chicken costumes.
- Screaming battle cries in a mix of Latin and broken French.
- Tactically surrendering—only to mug the victors five minutes later.
Another faction, “The Sneaky Geckos,” has begun sabotaging enemy morale by:
- Pretending to be noobs in Global Chat before revealing themselves as seasoned pros.
- Ambushing players in hospital beds by sending them "Get Well Soon" flowers—containing hidden flashbangs.
Torn’s war scene may never be the same.
CLASSIFIEDS
- For Sale: A police baton I “found” in the subway. Slightly used. DM: NotAnOfficer
- Help Wanted: Need a “fall guy” for an upcoming faction war. Must have low stats and no fear of hospitals. Apply within.
- Lost: My innocence after being mugged by a clown wearing brass knuckles. Reward offered.
TORN HOROSCOPE
- Aquarius: You will find yourself in jail—whether or not you actually wanted to go.
- Sagittarius: Don’t trust anyone offering you a “friendly bet.” They’ve already rigged the outcome.
- Pisces: A mysterious old woman may appear to give you money… or steal your soul. Good luck.
That’s it for this week’s Weekly Torn News! Keep sending in your wildest reports, and remember: if you see a UFO, don’t blink. If you find Granny Mega Bucks, take notes. And if you actually manage to get arrested in Torn… tell us how.
Last edited by JoshuaMason on 02:04:34 - 14/03/25 (4 months ago) -
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Posted on 01:55:48 - 16/02/25 (5 months ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post link
Weekly Torn News: Issue #5
Where the Strange Gets Stranger, and the Rich Get… Grannier?
BAT BOY SPOTTED IN TORN CITY?
Residents of Torn are in a frenzy after a series of late-night sightings suggest a new cryptid has emerged in our fair city. Dubbed “Bat Boy” by witnesses (in true Weekly Torn News tradition), this creature is said to have pointed ears, fang-like teeth, and a disturbingly adorable face.
Witness Statement: “I was rummaging through a dumpster behind the Pawn Shop when I saw this little bat-eared kid perched on a fire escape. He hissed at me, then flew off, dropping what looked like a half-eaten burrito!” – Anonymous Trash Diver
EXCLUSIVE “GRAINY” SIGHTING PHOTO
(See below for our artistically blurry image!)
We’ve managed to obtain a blurry, low-resolution photo snapped by a shaky-handed eyewitness. The photo shows a small, winged figure with enormous eyes perched on a ledge. Is this the real deal, or a cleverly staged NPC? You be the judge!
GRANNY BIG BUCKS: NEW SIGHTING REPORTED!
Just when we thought she’d gone underground, Granny Big Bucks has reappeared—this time at the Torn Public Library!
According to the head librarian, Ms. Dustyshelves, Granny was spotted sneaking in after closing and stuffing wads of cash between the pages of old, rarely borrowed books. When confronted, she simply winked and whispered, “Reading is fundamental… to fortune.”
Rumor has it she left behind a cryptic note that read:
“He who seeks knowledge shall find more than dusty pages.”
Could this be a clue to her whereabouts, or just another one of her philanthropic pranks? Torn’s treasure hunters are already tearing through the library, hoping to find hidden billions tucked away in a dictionary or behind an outdated atlas.
FACTION WARS: VIGILANTE BATTLE ROYALE
Torn’s faction scene has been heating up with vigilante-style squads popping up everywhere, each one claiming to be the city’s “true hero.”
- The Swole Crusaders: Dressed in full spandex and capes, they run around the Gym District chanting, “No Gains, No Glory!”
- The Dark Dorks: Insist on fighting crime at night, but mostly end up stepping on each other’s capes.
- Bat Boy’s Fang Gang?: Rumor has it that some shady group of Bat Boy fans have formed a faction in his honor, waiting for their “leader” to emerge from the shadows.
It’s only a matter of time before these wannabe heroes cross paths… or capes.
CLASSIFIEDS
- Missing: My last nerve, stolen by a faction mate who won’t stop singing sea shanties in the lounge. Reward if found.
- For Sale: DIY “Bat Boy” plushies, guaranteed to scare your grandma or amuse your cat. Contact: WingedWeirdo
- Looking For: A quiet place to read. Library’s too crowded with treasure hunters now. DM: PeacefulNerd
ADS
Want to place an ad in Weekly Torn News? Message “JoshuaMason” (the proud owner of this rag-tag operation) for rates, details, or to bribe us with donuts. We’re flexible!
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- “If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it so we can fix it again!”
Stop by Bangers and Cash today. Your car—and possibly your eyebrows—will never be the same!
That’s it for this week, Tornites! Keep your eyes peeled for Bat Boy, your library cards ready for hidden cash, and remember: if you see Granny Big Bucks, politely ask her for a billion… you never know!
Last edited by JoshuaMason on 02:04:51 - 14/03/25 (4 months ago) -
![potatolimerance [3535055]](/images/honors/326/h.png)
![CAVE_JOHNSON [2573449]](/images/honors/1241/h.png)
![KamaKaze [3365626]](/images/honors/572/h.png)
![AngelicOus [2739135]](/images/honors/259/h.png)
