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Alright OP, I'll give it a read and write my thoughts per paragraph.
P1 - Solid intro, I like how you pretty much find out a lot about the character of the bat.
P2 - Your line that goes "Cabin had a big yard surround it... - a detail which was a deciding factor' threw me off at first, and I had to re-read it. In my opinion, either you can rephrase the sentence or say "A minor detail, which was the deciding factor."
P3 - Once again maybe I'm being picky, but just by saying she 'hired' a local cleaning/lady would make it flow better. I'd also re-word the sentence about finding someone in the village to help her move her boxes. "Find someone in the village, that could help her move the rest tomorrow."
P4 - I could be wrong or but does *The last renovation, sound better?
P5 - Maybe add the line about the picture at the start of the sentence, and then follow suit.
P6 & P7 - Nothing major
P8 - Change '2" into 'Two'. I'd either say factor or store, not both.
P9 - P13 - All good, nice surprise too!
P14 & P15 - I get what you're saying but it's a little bit jumbled like it's not flowing. But I get the idea. Also, what's a core clenching man?
P16 - P17 - All good.
P18 - I think *bad boy answered* seems a bit, idk, not correct. Just a simple "he answered'
P19 - P28 Wait is she pregnant and not married? Also nice lines.
P29 - I'd change it the "grabbing her keys" to "putting the keys into the ignition" or something along those lines, to keep the flow going. Since she's likely in the car and the key would already be out.
7/10 OP, I like the first chapter and am curious to see where Tora and Woodman go from here.
*P = Paragraph, although I should have called it "Lines".
A werewolf story on Wattpad
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Thread created on 11:11:47 - 15/04/21 (4 years ago)|Last replied 07:19:06 - 28/04/21 (3 years ago)Hi,
I wrote a werewolf story and am currently publishing it on Wattpad.
It's written so there are no worries if it'll be finished or not.
The first chapter is up, so if anyone is interested, you can check: https://www.wattpad.com/story/266051354-a-dream-about-woodsman
Next chapter will come on Saturday (publishing on Wednesday & Saturday).
Please read description before proceeding with reading.
Edit:
Last edited by PPrincess on 20:20:50 - 26/04/21 (3 years ago) -
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Posted on 13:26:15 - 15/04/21 (4 years ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post linkAlright OP, I'll give it a read and write my thoughts per paragraph.
P1 - Solid intro, I like how you pretty much find out a lot about the character of the bat.
P2 - Your line that goes "Cabin had a big yard surround it... - a detail which was a deciding factor' threw me off at first, and I had to re-read it. In my opinion, either you can rephrase the sentence or say "A minor detail, which was the deciding factor."
P3 - Once again maybe I'm being picky, but just by saying she 'hired' a local cleaning/lady would make it flow better. I'd also re-word the sentence about finding someone in the village to help her move her boxes. "Find someone in the village, that could help her move the rest tomorrow."
P4 - I could be wrong or but does *The last renovation, sound better?
P5 - Maybe add the line about the picture at the start of the sentence, and then follow suit.
P6 & P7 - Nothing major
P8 - Change '2" into 'Two'. I'd either say factor or store, not both.
P9 - P13 - All good, nice surprise too!
P14 & P15 - I get what you're saying but it's a little bit jumbled like it's not flowing. But I get the idea. Also, what's a core clenching man?
P16 - P17 - All good.
P18 - I think *bad boy answered* seems a bit, idk, not correct. Just a simple "he answered'
P19 - P28 Wait is she pregnant and not married? Also nice lines.
P29 - I'd change it the "grabbing her keys" to "putting the keys into the ignition" or something along those lines, to keep the flow going. Since she's likely in the car and the key would already be out.
7/10 OP, I like the first chapter and am curious to see where Tora and Woodman go from here.
*P = Paragraph, although I should have called it "Lines". -
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Posted on 21:22:04 - 16/04/21 (4 years ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post linkThanks for the feedback. I'm back home tomorrow. I'll make some edit then and answer your questions. Also new chapter is coming tomorrow :)
I'm happy you like it :) -
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Posted on 20:31:02 - 17/04/21 (4 years ago)Post link copied to clipboard Copy post linkP2 - Didn't want to change it a lot so I went with your proposal
P3 - ok, hired is also ok. The second sentence has a problem with order of words, just realized it as I re-read it changed it. I think it's now better.
P4 - Yes, "the" was missing
P5 - Maybe picture wasn't the best word, it's isn't about a physical picture, more like an idea or scene she had in mind when looking for her perfect place. I changed it now to "scene". Maybe I should go with "idea"?
P8 - Changed to two. The village has its own factory which produces various wooden articles, and a part of this factory is also a store, so I call it a factory store. Any better expression?
P14&15 - haven't found a better flow yet. But I did struggled here how to describe someone who is somewhat cocky but also not rash and stupid in his acts. I changed "core clenching" to hunky. :)))
P18 - I'll keep it as it is to accent his description
P19-28 - Yes, pregnant and not married but more about that in next chapters :)
P29 - simplified it with "started the car"
Thank you again for the whole feedback!
I also posted the next chapter :) -