The shadow (a mini horror story) | Art & Literature | TORN
The shadow (a mini horror story)
    • normalYTer [2406158]
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    Thread created on 23:42:27 - 13/04/20 (4 years ago)
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    Last replied 13:33:49 - 21/05/20 (3 years ago)
    Whilst Derrick was locking his door, he saw a familiar face in the window. He thought it was his friend but when he looked back again it had disappeared. There was a feint sound behind him and as he looked back there was a bang in the windshield, this thing had cracked the window almost in half.

    As Jeremiah headed out she didnt know what to do as a black figure peered through the window of her neighbour's house, but then suddenly something struck the shadowy mass but instead if it being solid. It went through as if there was nothing there, soon she felt warm in her stomach as a stinging pain struck her from the front and back, she felt something thick dripping down her back and chest as a black hand covered her eyes.

    Whilst Derrick was fighting off the creature with his bare hands he caught a glimpse of what was behind him. Only did he soon realise.... that he was surrounded by mist and distorted screaming as others appeared around him, faceless and torn in half. Derrick was distracted long enough for the creature to get out of his grip and knocked him to the ground, Derrick wasn't going to make it unless *slashes could be heard as Derrick is cut into pieces and ripped apart by what he thought to have been was his enemy. Later that week, Derrick was said to have died of cancer of the brain which no one can explain why he opened his eyes in the crematorium.
    • AirQuotes [2302761]
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    Posted on 07:20:07 - 24/04/20 (3 years ago)
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    The secret to writing is rewriting. 

    This seems more like the attention-getter dream sequence at the beginning of a story.

    Try starting with an outline for the structure and sculpting your story to fit a more traditional story arc.

    No really! I buy everything!

    30d49c06-d8cc-4cdc-806e-3d5b90eb9001-2302761.jpg?v=1040063

    • rexpop [2551867]
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    Posted on 13:33:49 - 21/05/20 (3 years ago)
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    Screw 'a more traditional story arc' and write what excites you. I like the twist that it probably was all in Derrick's head - and now, it seems, in Jeremiah's head too (btw, Jeremiah is traditionally a male name). I agree with AirQuotes that you should draft and redraft your work until it's as good as it can be, but I don't think you should worry about whether your narrative style conforms to someone else's standards of good storytelling -- as long as at the end of reading it, your readers feel the emotions you wanted them to feel. But maybe working on sentence structure so you can control the timing and reveal of information would be helpful for you to achieve your horror goals and to increase the impact of the final macabre detail of Derrick's open eyes. It's also only my preference, but I wouldn't use an asterisk as punctuation. Keep practising and keep writing, and please post more stories!
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