Price - 50 cents
Wednesday, Jul 27, 2016
  • in Torn City
  • An Illustrated Weekly Newspaper
  • Edited & Published in Torn City
  • An Illustrate

Where is Our 2 Millionth Citizen?

Report by sugarvalves on 25/07/16 (1 day ago)

On June 11th 2016 Torn welcomed to its streets the 2 millionth person to register here as an official citizen, with this prestigious honour bestowed upon a young lady named MelodyQueen. A time for celebration indeed...or perhaps not.

More than one month on from that momentous day neither hide nor hair has been seen of this mysterious stranger, with very little known about who she was, where she came from, and where her bullet-ridden corpse is to...

Continues on page 22

Tornography - Bodybagger's Story

Report by sugarvalves on 18/07/16 (9 days ago)

Torn has no Mayor to speak of, nor does it have a Governor, a Councillor, a President or Prime Minister. Torn even lacks so much as a Park Ranger to stop you throwing trash at geese on the park. But many would say that what Torn does have is a dictator, an unstoppable presence whose benevolence in recent years is a testament to his own power, rather than the will of those attempting to dethrone him.

Official titles aside, Bodybagger has ruled the streets of Torn in ev...

Continues on page 20

Torn Jail - A Local Embarassment

Report by sugarvalves on 11/07/16 (16 days ago)

In our recent interview with Boxcar182 we investigated the mind-set of Torn's most prolific jail-breaker, yet in the weeks since our article was published there seems to have been no progress made in curtailing the embarrassing security lapses which continue to blight our city's penitentiary. The jail is a block away from City Hall where the decision makers eat their lunches, yet still they rest on their overpaid fat-saturated laurels, making no effort to address the concerns raised in ...

Continues on page 18

Mr and Ms Torn 2016

Report by sugarvalves on 04/07/16 (22 days ago)

The 5th of July marks that wonderful time of year when the city's motley collection of harlots, hunks and everything in-between collectively discard their inhibitions in an effort to show off the goods. Clothing is shredded, makeup smeared, and their desirable attributes are artificially enhanced by careful sock placement - I am of course talking about the long-awaited return of the city's annual Mr and Ms Torn competition.

But before the popula...

Continues on page 17

Tornography - Boxcar182's Story

Report by sugarvalves on 27/06/16 (29 days ago)

Torn's prison system is notoriously one of the world's least secure correctional facilities, and those few who have never experienced the delight in breaking free of its confines will at least know someone else who has. Yet despite the relatively short prison terms doled out to its inmates there are some who remain committed to helping convicts free themselves from the clutches of justice.

Once such person is Boxc...

Continues on page 16

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