1. The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled their storage areas with marijuana. It was decided the only option was to burn all of the marijuana on hand. The eventful day a huge mound of marijuana was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.
At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out to assure the well-being of the Terns. They followed this flock until they finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.
2. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
3. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
A very rich man who own a huge house has a very beautiful & sexy daughter. He is interested in alligators and has a big swimming pool filled with different and exotic specimen of d species. One day,he decided to throw a party and invited hundreds of people. After everyone has had a few drinks,he announced that anyone who can jump into d pool and make it on both side alive would have either two million naira or his sexy daughter. No one was willing to try this until suddenly there was a splash,and he turned to see a guy in d swimming pool swimming as fast as he can to d other side,Everyone cheers him as d alligators try to tear him apart. Amazingly,he makes it to d other side,some what ruffled but unharmed. The rich man says 'I say that was Amazing! So what is it to be,d two million naira or my daughters hand? The hero replies "Look sir,i don't want your money or your daughter, i just want that Bastard that pushed me in.
it's a story of 3 nuns and a random guy
so it was a hot day and this guy saw a pond
he had the idea "since it's such a hot day, I'll take a dip"
so he did so
and awhile after that
this 3 nuns were passing by
so they had the same thought
they all stripped and took a dip
so he was like "oh shit oh shit where do I hide??"
so he found this bush and hid behind it
so he spied on those naked nuns taking a bath and playing with the water
and he erected
so one nun spotted his penis
but it didn't look like one
so they all went nearer to it
and they thought it was a tuck machine
the machine that you pull the lever down and you'll get a gift
so nun 1 tossed a coin into the bush and tucked on his penis
the guy threw his shirt at her
and she was like "oh goodie!! my boyfriend could wear this!!"
so then nun 2 tossed a coin and did the same
he tossed her his pants
and she was like "oh sweet jesus my son could wear this!!"
so nun 3 did the same too
and she was like so nun 1 had a shirt...nun 2 had a pants...AND I HAD FREE SHAMPOO
3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "f**k you!"
What do you do when you see your wife staggering??
Shoot her again!!
Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy
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